Lately, flashbacks from that accident in the bathroom shows up in my mind everyday and I have been feeling a bit down on myself and having a hard time to get back up. The need to isolate myself has been constant. It’s nothing new and of course I’ve felt this way before, so I know “this too shall pass” but how it will is the question I keep asking.
When I chose to compete in bodybuilding for the first time I had no idea what was ahead of me and the beauty of it is that I discovered parts of myself I had no idea existed. Discovering this new world was like opening a pandora box and exploring physical strength in a way that would heal so many deep wounds and insecurities I’ve had. Some of them decided to show up and say “hello” after my accident. Weirdly I’ve been doubting my strength, my discipline, my knowledge and all because I’m vulnerable and not in control.
The other day I was in the gym alone and felt so great like the old days. Suddenly a lightbulb came up that it was exactly what I needed to do. I must go back and revisit “home” and that got me thinking, isn’t this what life really is? We fall, get back up, transform, live it up and occasionally fall again. Maybe it happens so we can keep revisiting those parts of ourselves that need some sort of healing, maybe as a reminder of how far we have come but work on the shadowy aspects of ourselves. Bodybuilding has gotten me so many first place trophies but it wouldn’t have matter if I didn’t feel like a winner and every time I felt like a winner a part of me was healed because I conquered something inside myself.
It’s time to go back, go back “home”!